MEET THE FLINTSTONES: A MUCH TOO MODERN STONE-AGE FAMILY

At some point during the Stone Age, the city of Bedrock experienced one of the first historically recorded real estate bubbles. It had become the earliest example of runaway housing development and suburban bloat. As was the case in those times, city planning and infrastructure development were non-existent, so the lives of it’s citizens were compromised resulting in reverberations still felt in modern society today.Traffic jams became the norm, which gave birth to road rage. The once freely roaming dinosaurs and mammals within the city were forced to either flee to the surrounding regions or be confined to suffocating quarters. Waste disposal was primitive at best.

Prior to the suburban insanity that had become Bedrock, in a more-than-humble, spartan rock abode lived Fred and Wilma Flintstone. Fred, a working-class stiff, began his career as a bronto-crane operator at the Slate Rock and Gravel Company, working ridiculously long hours. He was a bit of a miser also, wearing the same sabre-toothed tiger getup with a threadbare lapiz tie week in week out. Wilma smiled congenially when getting her I’m-off-to-work kiss, but she secretly wished Fred would take a damned shower and get a change of clothes between his 14-hour work days. Fred smiled congenially when planting a kiss on Wilma, but he secretly wished she’d pick up a damned broom and start sweeping between his 14-hour work days.

While on a walk with Dino, that all changed when Fred discovered the largest building-quality stone deposit within hundreds of miles just outside of Bedrock. He ascended the career ladder at pterodactyl speed, buying the company he once slaved for. Frederick (as he now insisted on being addressed) and Wilhemina (as she now insisted on being addressed) reached the uppermost level of the Bedrock social strata and threw lavish parties at their top tier home on the outskirts of the congested city of Bedrock. Now, Wilhemina congenially smiles when getting her I’m-off-to-work kiss, but she secretly wishes Frederick would take a damned shower and get a change of clothes between his 2-hour work days. Frederick smiles congenially when planting a kiss on Wilhemina, but he secretly wishes she’d wear that damned two-piece furkini getup he bought her while she sweeps after he returns from his 2-hour work days.

Frederick’s longtime confidante, Barnabus (formerly known as Barney) has become a blood-sucking parasitic groupie who won’t physically remove his hand from Frederick’s back for hours at a time. One would think this poses something of a problem when they play poker in the Flintstones’ posh gameroom, but Barnabus always makes it a point of never having more than a pair lurking within his cards, all but assuring victory and smug satisfaction for his highly-competitive patron. The one instance when Barnabus’s unfortunate pair of hearts beat Frederick’s Jack of Diamonds, he wound up in traction for two weeks at Petrovue Hospital. Frederick generously paid all his medical bills.

These days, Frederick Flintstone spends his time looking as suave and sophisticated as a Neanderthal is humanly able to. Wilhemina caters to his every whim, with the one exception of sweeping their home in her two-piece furkini while his prowling eyes lurk about. There’s just something dangerously primal about Frederick when he’s got that club in his hands and that look in his eyes.